I feel so ordinary

I have been thinking about writing this for a little while, but I was nervous about sharing these thoughts. I have always been nervous about sharing what I write. And then I decided that that was a good enough reason to post it! After all, these are thoughts, not written in stone, but they may mean something...

When I was younger, I wondered how one knew that you were in a particular "phase" or "stage" in life; how you knew that you had moved onto the next? What were the key markers for the various stages we travel through in our life times? What is the awareness or the psychological state of the people we become as we travel from being infants to adults and the various colours of adulthood?? What happens on the inside to change actions or attitudes or percpectives when we travel into another layer?

I'm starting to become aware of a process...once you you have completed a phase - that is, you have done the work, struggled through the self-actualization and gained a few more precious moments of patience, you are introduced to a new aspect of reality, of the human condition through your own life. Your life becomes bigger than just you and it becomes less and less about you. The rights of passage.

...I'm not sure if I am currently in the midst of finishing or beginning a new one. But suddenly, a number of things that were distant echos of others' voices are becoming forefront in my conciousness and they are becoming a knowledge base within which I'm functioning rather than only listening as a distant observer. You live in it daily and it goes beyond words on paper.

...I remember a few years ago I asked the question "is there any new, untouched themes in the human drama that can be explored"?...at that time I thought there was...actually, I was quite convinced there was. But now I'm beginning to realize that the excitement comes from depth of experience - it is exciting because it stimulates the intrinsic senses and reveals truths. The divine path was made for humans, not the gods...says the monk.

There are basic and fundamental laws (or truths if you will) and when we discover them as something that is a part of us, they take on a new meaning, provide a new filter to see the world with and enhance the depth at which we function with ourselves and with one another.

I went away to a small town of Kep this weekend, which is located at the southern end of Cambodia. I spent the weekend travelling to a couple of health centers and the one hospital in this area that aims to service a population of approximately 40,000. "What are the rehabilitation needs of the people living in this area?" I asked several individuals (ie doctors at the hospital, volunteer staff worker at the health center, medical students from Canada doing other types of health related research in Kep). Various answers, some common themes: "...anything would be good since there is little or next to nothing".

My hosts take me on a small tour to visit a village (one of 16) that makes up Kep...former Khmer Rouge soldiers live in this particular village. "THis area was opened up (for tourism) only since 1996...this is the house of the General that was responsible for killing 3 Canadians when this are first was open to tourism..." explains my host and guide as we drive down the dirt road and infront of this General's house. I shake my head at the juxtaposition of realities. We ended up at a small cluster of grass homes. At the "entrance" is a cement floor - just that, no walls, nothing else, just the floor of a house. Apparently this is where the house of the traditional healer once stood. But when he left to go to another village, he literally took the whole house with him (except for the cement floor). The people occuping this small piece of land in the middle of a field and jungle on either side are people with AIDS and their families. Initially, there were many, now there are 6 families remaining. I ask where the rest are. They've passed away quite voices explain. When they pass away, they are burned "over there" and a finger is pointed off in one direction at a large field and horizon with scattered palm trees and sillhoutes of moutains. It was striking. I wondered about the ghosts...The entire visit was layered with various aspects that are a reality-current running through Cambodia - corruption, explotation, lack of basics (ie medicine), the ability of humans to adapt to such an incredible range of circumstances and living conditions, to be able to smile and make small talk. I found myself on an internal emotional rollercoaster - the fact that people live in such conditions is phenominal. And unacceptable. But now that I've decided that, what am I going to DO about it. That is the question.
One of the patients was charged $6.50 for an IV by the local medic (when at the market it costs no more than $2). There is $5 in my pocket - I'm kicking myself for not giving it to his wife to cover the cost...and then we westerns fall into philosphical conversations about "what is the right thing to do"...it seems absurd and yet an important conversation; important because it enables us to realize the meaning behind our actions and the meaning becomes and intense motivating factor. Absurd because precious time is taken adn it often enables us to explain away and wipe our hands clean. Such an intense reality.
I ask about the lesions I see on their bodies - I thought they were from AIDS (I ask because I realize I have been with an AIDS patient only once before and he did not have any leisons)...but these leisons are actually mosquito bites. So many, one of top of the other...the group begins to explain that their mosquitto nets are very old and have wholes and the mosiquittos are extremely bad after dusk. I ask to see the nets - they have wholes, big wholes. Some are patched up. How much are mosquitto nets at the market? I ask. $3 explain, my hosts...I'm trying to understand why these people are sleeping with these old nets. The answers are simple, the processes complex...even for getting 10 mosiquitto nets. And this is one element of many...a smaller element of a much grimmer picture. They need a doctor, they need more food, they need electricity, they need for the bathrooms to be fixed...and what do I DO about it? What do WE DO about it???? I find most of us get stuck, frozen by these realities. I am all the time...but I'm also realizing that that is part of the process. The next phase is to DO - how and what is a personal decision. Something, anything. I am beginning to embrace that SOMETHING is better than nothing. And consistency in that something is the other half that needs to be present. Because many SOMETHINGS will add up to change. They will impact at least a human life...and at the end of the day that is what matters.
I'm glad that Nimol, my Cambodian friend who is a nurse, came with me this weekend. She has not seen this before. She begins to contemplate her life set against this context. Part of the process.

After this visit, we go swimming in the warm, salty waters of Kep beach. Balance is key. You can swallowed up by the despair, but then you are of no use. Balance is key, so we go swimming and tell funnies, build sand castles with the kids at the beach.

Being here- working, doing, sleeping, eating, laughing, massaging, listening, watching, learning, teaching, breathing, touching...it all feels so normal. I feel so ordinary.